There is no ONE. This is the soul-mate myth. There are some good ONEs and some bad ONEs, but there is no ONE
Rollo Tomassi.
Remember that time you were in that hot romance literally made in heaven and you thought that was your soul-mate. Can you remember the breakup? can you remember how many ‘soul-mates’ you’ve had since then? Yea, that’s my point…there are lots of ‘special someones’ out there for you. That’s why the divorced or widowed man who’s remarried after their soul-mate has died or moved on still get to meet a new person that somewhat becomes another soul-mate.
I start out with this because I’ve seen guys put up with a lot of crap from a flaky, possessive, high drama, and a toxic lady that constantly brings them down in the name of a ‘soul-mate’ or fear of starting over.
This is a conversational slap for such guys to wake up and see the signs written on the wall before it gets too late by taking it to the next level. Although I understand the honeymoon phase where both parties are usually on their best behavior, that phase where critical thinking is suppressed, feel-good chemicals, and hormones like oxytocin and dopamine also kick in to further cloud judgment.
In that moment of highness, it feels so good that we simply ignore the red flags waving right before us. When she manifests negative behaviors or attitude, we’re likely to minimize it, write it off or justify it for her by saying “oh it’s not that bad, besides maybe I can help her” don’t fool yourself chief, somethings are deeply inherent and you can’t force your partner to change. It has to come from inside out.
“So, are you saying I shouldn’t tolerate people?” NO, you’re equally flawed yourself. In fact, come off your high horse, you’re not the standard. All I’m saying is; is the time, effort, energy, and resources you want to put in this really worth it? Will it not be the case of trying to pull somebody out of the water and you end up drowning with them? Sometimes the problem isn’t even with her, she’s not just the fit for you, that’s why you will see a lady bitchy to one man and be a total dove to another.
So, it’s wise to vet right from the beginning and nip some of these things in the bud.
IS SHE YOUR MULTIPLIER?
There is no ideal woman anywhere, as there is no ideal man. All you need is to recognize potential and make her into your ideal woman. But you need to ask yourself the following questions about who you want in that number one position;
- Are you a high-value man yourself? If you aren’t, you need to focus on becoming one. Your perceived value is basically constituted by your skillset, your looks, your social status, your net worth, your leadership skills, your IQ, your character and your ambition. Possessing all these is how you earn her respect and her following. Even if she’s badly behaved, she’ll naturally rearrange herself around you.
- Have you done the work to ensure she understands her place and her role in your life?
- Does her presence in your life make your life better, easier, stronger, keeps you locked onto your mission, supports you-does little things with you in mind so that you can go out and kill it?
- Is she wanting to see you succeed so that she can respect you like she wants to and need to? Does she strive to please you by honestly changing things you complain about? Is she teachable?
- Does she respect you in thoughts, words and actions? All three are required. Are you really getting her best? Are you rewarding bad behavior?
- Does she encourage you to go kick ass and impose your will on the world, so she can brag about her man?
- Is she dragging you down with never-ending drama, zero self-awareness, unable to self soothe, horrible communication, sense of entitlement and demanding excess attention?
Take a close look with your ego and pride out of the way bro. these are just a few of the things that are actually ‘dividers’, they separate you from your mission. A bad relationship makes you less effective since you’re attending to her needs constantly and you really lose out on the whole fun of dating by not shutting it down.
Here are 15 red flags you really need to look out for if you are planning to take things seriously with a lady:
- Exes:
If she constantly talks about her ex. Calling him a jerk and what not. He has marked her soul but walked out on her. She will always love him but never you. you’re most likely the rebound filling in her emotional void. Besides it suggests to you her taste in men and the kind of men she’s into. - Respect:
If she’s comfortable being rude to random men, best believe she’ll be rude to you at some point too. Because how she treats men is a reflection of how she treats her man. As such, if she’s poorly behaved, it reflects poorly on you as a man. People think this instinctually that you’re clearly a walkover. - Pop culture:
If all she talks about is celebrity gist and spends all her time on social media or watching reality tv, then be wary. It implies she doesn’t have anything going for her in her own life, low IQ, and will probably not have a mind of her own and can be easily swayed by all she sees online. - Friends:
“Birds of a feather flock together” your significant other likely has a lot in common with her friends. Similar interests, temperament, and beliefs. If her close friends are promiscuous, ill-mannered and shamelessly ridicule men, best believe your babe too has it in her. - Male Friends:
If the majority of her friends are guys, or she claims her besty is a guy, be wary bro. proximity breeds contempt. It’s only a matter of time before you hear stories that touch. - Prudence:
If she’s a shopaholic who likes to spend money buying useless, mindless crap that none of you actually needs, red flag alert. This means she’s impulsive and addicted to spending money, and will most likely not be able to manage with you if things go south. - Self-improvement:
If she doesn’t set standards for herself, demands more of herself, or build her character, but wants to be treated like a princess without putting in effort, she’s not a keeper. This means she has an inflated impression of herself and believes in getting something for nothing. - Low Self Esteem:
If she doesn’t want you improving too much because she’s afraid you’ll leave her if you upgrade yourself too much, she’s not a keeper. That’s the kind of gal that brings up unnecessary bills when you’re saving up for a course. I call it active sabotage. - Criticism:
A woman who can handle healthy constructive criticism is worth her weight in gold. A lady who can’t, is too immature to work with you on improving the relationship. - Opportunistic:
Never settle with a lady you know chose you only because you’re doing well or desperately wants to get married and you know wouldn’t choose you otherwise. Now you’re a golden boy, everything don soft. Be extra careful when a lady proclaims love at this stage. - Domestication:
If she doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean and doesn’t want to learn or put in the effort. Chief, evacuate. This is not to say you want her as a maid or cater to all your domestic needs, but how will she be able to look after your home and kids if she can’t feed even you. This is deeper than this, but let me stop here. - Sacrifice:
If she gets mad sacrificing things for you, indifferent to things that concern you or doesn’t even sacrifice at all, leaving you to do all the heavy lifting…code red. Evacuate! - Violence:
Surely, her punches may not hurt you, but if your girlfriend gets angry when you guys argue. A flag doesn’t get any redder than that. A slap today could be the use of a weapon tomorrow. Remember, it’s what you do to her that society will judge you on, not the build-up to that violent escalation. - Material and Emotional Stinginess:
If she doesn’t give no matter how little, express herself, doesn’t apologize when she’s wrong, doesn’t tell you she loves you, or constantly holds back or legislate affection. There are underlying unresolved issues. Proceed with caution. - Hierarchy:
If she doesn’t embrace her femininity and would rather act masculine or constantly argue and challenge everything you say, competing with you rather than complimenting you…she’s not a keeper. You need a woman that treats you like the king that you are and recognizes her place as the queen thereby carrying herself as such.
Finally, if she reads this and gets upset. It means she’s intolerant of the male viewpoint, lacks self-awareness, and takes herself too seriously. Guess what?… yea you guessed right, lol.
FINAL WORD
Looking out for red flags when dating will help you avoid a potential disaster in marriage. However, all I’ve said is contingent on the fact that you are manly yourself and handle business. You can’t expect more of someone when you don’t bring any standards to the table.
The saying goes, “where there’s no law, there can be no transgression”. Finally, when you find a woman that her values align with yours, lock her down fast. Don’t leave your diamond to go in search of stones. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and if it is, it means someone has watered or is watering it. Water your grass bro.
Best wishes.
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Olowe Segun
Amire Steve
Tolulope
